Men and #MeToo – It is our responsibility now (and it always has been)

Just days before I heard this quote my wife and I were cleaning up after dinner. “I had a memory surface…” my wife told me. The Kavanaugh hearings were all over the news and Professor Christine Blasey Ford’s story was front and center. Stacey went on to tell me about a time when a group of boys held down her arms and groped her. 

Now, I don’t care about your politics. I don’t care if you are uncomfortable with the standard of proof and I don’t care about your political affiliation. I can only assume that you are touched and shocked by the inordinate number of women who courageously come forward with their harrowing stories of assault. Perhaps, you might have wondered who these men are who committed these unconscionable actions. And it was in that moment listening to and blaming Senator Graham when it hit me.

All of us, men of my generation, are guilty. 

It stands to reason that if almost every woman we know has A Story where the best possible ending is being inappropriately touched or where she was pushed past a boundary that most men have been the aggressor. And it was in that moment, while I was staring at my tied shoes, that it hit me -all men of my generation or older have been complicit, have not spoken up when we knew we should, have let behavior continue, or have assaulted women. 

I am not exempt from that grouping. A flood of memories that shame me came back. Since then I have been thinking about how to best respond to this realization and what my responsibility is in the face of #metoo. This is a work in progress, but this is what I have come up with so far. 

• Own up and apologize - It is not enough to post a #itwasme post on Facebook. In the last few weeks a few memories of when I had been inappropriate, had not spoken up, or had been complicit. As I remember them, I am sending emails that are difficult to write. But acknowledging the pain I have caused and apologizing is important. The act of recognizing the pain that we have caused can be an important part in allowing people to heal. Now, we need to be careful with apologizing. Particularly careful that, in doing so, we are not throwing the responsibility of absolving our guilt in the hands of the people we have wronged.  So be careful of your words. Apologize for your actions and offer your willingness to speak to make amends. But don’t demand it. It is their right to continue the conversation, or not.  Also, acknowledge that bringing up past events can be traumatic. I recommend putting apologies in writing. That way you are not demand acknowledgement and people can deal with it on their own time.  

• Stop talking - next time you go to a conference or a meeting notice how much men speak. It is kinda sobering when you just notice that the first several people talking in meetings and asking questions are almost always men. It is not that we shouldn’t talk at all, it is that we need to make sure that we aren’t taking all the air in the room. Instead, let’s use our voices to make sure that everyone is part of the conversation. 

• Be an advocate - especially when it is uncomfortable. Look – most of us have a lifetime of thinking of our own interest over that of others others and we have never have had to make amends. It is unavoidable that we will continue to say things that are insensitive and inappropriate. A correction from another man is going to be received a lot better that from someone angered and offended. 

• Be conscious of power dynamics - The fact is that we as men are generally not Generally conscious of the fact that most places are designed for our comfort and our voices alone. So when you're in a group setting, take stock of what's going around – are those people with less power and privilege than you comfortable and able to speak freely? If not, what is it that you can do to make things better for those not quite comfortable in the area? I find that just asking the question “is this a space safe space for everyone?” allows me to see things that I would be ordinarily blind to.

• It’s not just #metoo - For the most part I don’t have a lot of clean up to do in respect to being inappropriate toward women – sure, I had to send out a couple of uncomfortable emails apologize but my load in that area was relatively easy to shoulder. However, I have spent much of my career being a horrible employer. I ran my previous company out of a place of paranoia and fear, and I am just beginning to come to terms with the damage I have done in that area. I recognize that I have quite a bit of clean up in this area and have already started. It is one thing for me to stop the behavior that was troublesome – I still have clean up to do and I am not going to wait until the next hashtag to start. Bottom line – be proactive in cleaning the skeletons out of your closet. We all have had areas where we have grown and recovered from mistakes. Don’t wait to clean them up.

Look, this is a difficult time for everyone. For a lot of men, it might feel like the rules have changed. The fact is, a light is being shined on the injustices that have been accepted as normal. This is going to be helpful for all of us. But it's important to recognize that a lot of men are really unsettled. Let’s be clear – the world is changing, and we cannot stand by and accept the injustices that so many have endured. Making amends and asking forgiveness is hard, I get that. Carrying/deflecting guilt, and fighting to preserve an undeserved position of power - that's so much harder.

Peter Laughter

CEO - Spartoi Group

Men and #MeToo – It is our responsibility now (and it always has been) | LinkedIn